Gender/Sexuality - binary or more complex?

For as long as I can remember I have never felt as though I was 100% female. I would say I mostly am but I have never felt as though I was totally female through and through. There are days where I feel more comfortable in more traditionally 'manly' clothes and doing 'manly' things with my male friends. One even commented at school once that he often forgot that I was a girl because he thought of me as 'one of the boys' due to my behaviour, way of talking, way of dressing, etc. My Mum often told me during my teenage years to dress in a more 'feminine way' and behave more 'lady like'. She has since given up talking to me about it.

I do enjoy wearing dresses and doing my make up and hair/nails sometimes. All the things traditionally viewed as 'female' traits. I do identify as a woman, the gender I was born as. I think I see myself as a somewhat 80/20 split female/male though. Also, mentioning the traditionally 'female' activities, even these cross over more and more now. I say 'even' because one could argue 'male' traits and 'female' traits have crossed over for a long time such as when women first wore trousers and when men started wearing long hair and make up in the glam rock era (just a couple of examples). Mere observation there.

The main part is that I do identify as predominately female but it isn't cut and dry. This confused me recently until studies have shown there may be a 'gender spectrum'. Certainly there seems to be a common theme as more recognition is given to this now. Celebrities are also more open and saying the same things as I have felt too. This is helping more people realise that 'normal' is a broad church and not feeling 100% one way or another is not something to worry about or feel ashamed about.

There are loads of celebs that have come out as being somewhere on the gender spectrum but here are a few and what they have said that sums this up so well:

• Miley Cyrus (feels "put in a box" as a woman)
• Tilda Swinton (said "it changes")
• Ruby Rose (feels "gender neutral")
• Eddie Izzard ("a lesbian trapped in a man's body")
• Richard O'Brien ("70% male and 30% female)

Increasingly those of us with a mix are feeling uncomfortable with titles that clearly define gender as binary (Miss, Mrs, Mr) and are opting for 'Mx' which is more fluid and less restrictive. Oh to live somewhere like Japan and use honorifics like -san for all genders.

Sexuality is also a more fluid thing. For a long time I would tell people I was 'bi-sexual' but this never felt right either so I would normally plump for 'hetro' on job applications and things like that because I couldn't commit to something that didn't feel right. Besides, I am in a relationship with a man (more of which coming up) and I could reconcile 'hetro' that way. Thank goodness I have recently discovered the term 'Pansexual'. This means a person capable of finding men and women attractive and also transgender and non-binary. The actual definition is:

'Not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender or gender identity.'

This does not make us 'greedy' or 'essentially just bi'. It is more complex. It means we can see the true beauty of anyone, no matter how they, or we, identify,

"But Sarah! You've only dated cis-white men."

Oh go away! I am capable of feelings for anyone and there have been people in my life (men, women, straight, gay, bi, trans) who I have wanted or loved. Just because the longer relationships have been with individuals who identify a certain way doesn't mean I am not 'pan'. I know my own body, mind and heart.

Before we go on, yes I love my fiance very much and he is white male. Even he has spoken to me in the past of not fully identifying as 'straight' and of being a little curious. This comes and goes for him too.

Again, there are lots of celebs who identify as 'pan' too. This shows how far reaching the sexuality sepctrum is and how common this feeling is.

Personally I have always gone, looks wise, for either slightly geeky men (my fiance included) or men who appear fairly feminine. For women I go for natural curves and beautiful eyes. For both I never go for the 'industry standard' of 'beauty'. A person needs to have interesting features that perhaps tell a life story to catch my eye. Of course, I have here fallen into the trap of generalising using terms like 'men' and 'women'. Really I should either use inverted commas or add to this that actually there are types of 'person' I find more attractive, a trans woman with curves is simply gorgeous and I know some trans men who fit my 'what I look for in a man' looks wise. Most importantly I need people to have fun with and who make me laugh. It shows we're comfortable with ourselves and each other. It can be difficult to explain feelings even when there is a matching term for it.

I began as many teenagers do with curiosity about boys and girls. By the time I was 19 and in university I knew I felt the same about women as men. Then, through my life travels, I have also met some amazing and inspirational and truly gorgeous trans people who I have felt the same way about. I won't name anyone I know personally as they don't necessarily know I had feelings for them. Of course I am totally committed to my fiance and could never be tempted to stray, we've been through too much. There are trans, cis, non-binary celebs I have an interest in too (the latest being the sometimes feminine looking Japanese male actor, Takeru Sato - his at times androgynous looks helped to win him the part of Himura Kenshin who is described in the manga/anime as feminine too).

Many of you also know I suffer anxiety and need to feel comfortable around others to open up on a face-to-face basis. Accepting my place on the gender/sexuality spectrum helps me feel comfortable with myself and, therefore, around other people.

We are finally seeing a world where people are more comfortable openly discussing gender and sexuality and therefore the spectrums have only just come to light. I am looking forward to my journey figuring this out for myself, it's still early days, hence why I struggle to explain. I really only discovered the term 'pansexual' very recently and realised it fit me. There's work to be done everywhere in society to accept these spectrums. I am hopeful though.