Why do we have to put a name on a relationship?

I am engaged and before I get going I want you all to know that I am very happy. I do love my fiancé very much and I can’t wait for the day that we stand there in front of everyone and make a declaration of our love.

There are some things that have made me question the institution of marriage and in fact any relationship. This may be the slight feminist in me talking or just personal experience and even from things I have seen around me. I just don’t feel comfortable with certain aspects of relationships.

Let us take marriage as an example first of all. There is still an expectation in the western world that the woman will take the man’s name. I do know of a case where this was the other way round as the surname of the bride was rare and so the man took this name in order to keep it going. This is very unusual and generally speaking it is the woman who takes the man’s name. This convention is a hangover from the idea that marriage is a change of ownership from one man (father) to another (husband) and this used to entail some sort of dowry. I guess one might argue that nowadays a woman might take the man’s name to express their love for them and I am ok with that. The thing that doesn't sit well with me is that it almost robs one of one’s identity to change the name so drastically. I could argue that I have the name given to me through my father’s line and therefore this is not my own either, but as we are susceptible to the names our parent’s give us I have been living with my surname my whole life. This is how I have been taught to identify myself and this is something I am comfortable with. By retaining my own name I am not going to show that I have any less loyalty to my husband. We both have surnames steeped in Anglo-Saxon history anyway. I would just go from being a ‘cross watcher’ (Critcher) to being ‘born son of a hard one’ (Harding). From another personal stand point I am worried about where my surname will go. Without dipping into too much detail I don’t much care for others I am forced to share it with and I fear it will run out.

Another part of the ceremony I wish to avoid is the part saying ‘who gives this woman to this man’. I give myself freely to my husband when I marry him. He didn't ask my father’s permission to propose, neither of us had to argue with my father to get him to agree. It was my fiancé’s birthday surprise to me to ask me to marry him (after several comic and aborted attempts). The first was when he asked me and called it off again until he had full time work…which took him another two years. The second time was supposed to be on holiday, but he hadn't realised that the ring in my size would not automatically be in the shop. We left for Ibiza ringless and he received a text from the store the moment of landing to say the ring had arrived and was ready for collection. When it finally worked out I was free to say yes or no and I wanted to say yes. If he hadn't done it I was going to turn the tables and ask him at Christmas that year (he didn't know that until now…).

Then there is the ring itself. We will both wear a wedding ring, but we chose to only have one of us (me) wear the engagement ring. This was more because people generally go straight to the woman to see the ring than the man. Also, Dave didn't want to wear too many rings. When we first got together we bought each other a ‘commitment’ ring and we still wear these to this day. This is not a sign that I bind myself to him and vice versa. I think we look at this as a symbol of our love being never ending.

Also on the theme of the ring, you don’t have to have it cost three month’s wages or whatever. That was part of a marketing campaign in the early 20^th century that has gone down in modern folk law.

I also know of people that have been together for 20 – 30 years and then for legal reasons decide to get married. Something about having that certificate proving their relationship status seems to turn things sour and then the relationships ends! That is a terrifying thought.

Then there are the divorcees. I know of people who are younger than I am who have already been married and divorced! I know of people going through the most horrendous divorces and others that just grew weary of each other and decided it was time to draw that part of their lives together to a close. In every case I hear of I question the institution of marriage and the pressures it puts on a couple. I question the motivation of people to get married and really in this modern world, what is the point of it all. I even questioned why I was marrying. Dave and I will always be together and we will always love each other (I truly believe this), but why do we have to prove it with marriage? This institution is still held up in law to have more weight to it than a couple co-habiting!

Then there are the same sex relationships. If marriage in the modern world is supposed to enable two people who love each other to make a declaration before friends and family and be recognised in the eyes of the law as a valid partnership then why do so many countries around the world have a ban on marriage for same sex couples? How come two people who are different gender can marry and be miserable or happy or indifferent or overjoyed when two people who are same gender cannot? Same sex relationships do not have a bad effect on children and if a same sex couple marry are they not showing stability in their relationship? There are so many children disparate to be adopted and fostered and if a same sex couple has been able to make the ultimate commitment then they could do this! There are still countries in the world that would rather let a child languish in a children’s home than put them with a same sex couple who would love them.

Then again, why on earth would a same sex couple want to marry? Aside from everything else I have written, are they not still going to be fighting a system geared towards saying they are wrong? The church does not want to accept same sex marriage and it was only recently voted into law in the United Kingdom. It seems to me there have been and continue to be massive failings for same sex couples.

Maybe it is time to rethink our views on marriage and relationships and what they actually mean. We have so many ideals ingrained in our society as to what is expected of us. Yes I want to make a public declaration of love to Dave, but I want it under my own terms. I want the choice to retain my identity as well and keep my name if I so choose without being looked down on (I know of a couple where they kept their own surnames but the children took the father’s name and the mother has a terrible time proving she is the mother, this should not be the case in 2014). Why is there still so much emphasis on gender roles within the marriage ceremony (and before and after)? Why is there still a negative undertone in society and in particular its institutions around same sex relationships?