Cooking at the Spa

Going to the Spa

I went to a spa this weekend just gone (3/4 Feb) and decided that I should write about it. Especially as my colleague told me to. That and it was fucking odd at times. As I relate my story you will soon find out what I mean.

The tale of the spa

In 2016 I got married and then turned 30 so my best friend thought it would be a nice idea to book us in to a spa. This is a lovely idea and I have never been to one before. There is a slight problem, I don't like anyone touching me so most of the treatments were totally ruled out. As someone who suffers from anxiety if I don't know someone really well then I can't have them touch me so I cannot have a massage or facial or even have my nails done by another human being. There was a way round this though and I took advantage of that.

Proof of me getting married which is unrelated to the story. I trust Dave and he is allowed to touch me.

The spa itself was a mile or so outside of Newbury and, as the only one of the two of us that drives, I had to get us there. No big deal, I have a sat nav and mad driving skills as I passed my test with 8 minors only 12 years ago so I was well up for this challenge. I got us there in pretty good time despite the fact that Newbury is full of fucking road works at the moment. The spa is a 4* hotel set in the grounds of a golf course with probably not enough parking considering the number of rooms and how far away the centre of town is. The reception is lovely with all carved wood making sculptures of things I couldn't quite figure out. We had a room on the ground floor and for some reason we had been given a lovely bottle of dry prosecco. As my friend does not drink alcohol this played to my advantage and I was able to keep this to myself (more of which later).

We changed into swim suits and the robes and slippers they gave us and then went to the pool. Now I got confused. I go to the local pool from time-to-time and all I do is get changed in the changing room and lock my stuff in a locker. This place also had changing rooms and lockers so I am not sure why I had to get changed in the room and wear a robe and slippers. Still, I decided this was what posh people do so I went with it and pretended that I was a smart Japanese woman wearing a yukata. 

What I thought I looked like - I could never come close. I am a podgy blond(ish) 30 year old English woman.

Anyway I swam for the first time in about 2 years. This was extra amazing as I had hurt my shoulder (still hurts) and yet I swam like I was Haru from Free! Iwatobi Swim Club/Eternal Summer. I also only swim free! I also went in the Jacuzzi which was warm and bubbly. Of course I made the joke that every right minded person makes when the bubbles start - "IT WASN'T ME!" This is especially good when there is a couple in the other side of the Jacuzzi making out. By implying the passing of gas I was able to freak them the fuck out. They had clearly found a loophole in the 'no heavy petting in the pool rule' as we were in a Jacuzzi on the edge of the pool. Clever.

What I thought I looked like swimming.

What I probably looked like most of the time.

In the same area as this watery fun there was less watery fun in the shape of the steam room. I call this the watery room of death! It is 100% humidity and was like walking into a wall of water. I couldn't breathe and felt like I was being water boarded but it was all of my own doing! I walked right out of there. The sauna was also scary but I did last about 3 minutes in there. Everything was hot though. The benches were hot and so was the floor, which I learned when I stood on it for too long and burned my feet. I started hopping about like a cartoon character when they burn their feet so I am beginning to think that this behaviour in cartoons has been copied from observations of humans in Swedish saunas.

The aroma room was nice though. It was just dark with led lights which change colour and it smelled of sweet lavender. It did make me sneeze after a while so I suspect I was allergic to it. That said the whole spa and hotel smelled like this so I sneezed wherever I went.

Then, after a brief break, I was left to find the treatment room by myself as my friend went to the gym. I have no sense of direction and, despite her taking me there earlier, I decided I would leave with plenty of time so I did not get lost. 

I did not get lost and I made it! My treatment was to lie in a warm bath filled with smelly stuff and salt which was to re-hydrate my skin. Now, I am no chemist but I am pretty sure you cure meat with salt because it dries things out and preserves it so I am not sure of the logic in this treatment but I went with it. It was relaxing to a certain extent only I haven't described the other part of the treatment. It has low level UV lights to boost the vitamin D in your body and it is not as strong as a sunbed. This bit of machinery hummed really loudly! Also it beeped really loudly four times to tell me to turn over. This happened just as I was getting comfy and ignoring the humming and frightened the life out of me every time. Otherwise it was lovely.

How I imagined I would look after the treatment.

Then I went for a shower and it was time for dinner.

The tale of dinner

So I haven't eaten a dinner and I was looking forward to the restaurant or a nice meal in town. Somehow I got talked into snacks in the room from a supermarket. This actually didn't seem like a bad idea but the nearest supermarket was about a mile or so away in the centre of Newbury and, as the only way there was to drive I got to go in my car again. 

I am not complaining about driving because it meant I got to listen to my favourite band, ONE OK ROCK. I have been listening to their new album, Ambitions (both the English and Japanese version) on repeat for about a month and it is amazing! There are minor differences (other than the fact one is all English and one is part Japanese and has Avril Lavigne on a song that she is not on from the English version) but most of the songs are the same. I really recommend 20/20 from the Japanese version and Bedroom Warfare from the English one if you want to listen to only one song from each. Both have a collaboration with 5SOS which is actually amazing and is called Take What You Want. The differences are because they are signed to A Sketch (Amuse Inc.) in Japan and Fueled by Ramen in America. I am hooked by the catchy tunes and how emotional and raw this album is as clearly Taka (who I actually love - but not as much as my husband - honest) has poured his heart and soul into the lyrics.

OOR - 'We Are' from new album - Amitions (Japanese Version)

And here is Taka - he's both talented and adorable. I want to be his friend so if he's reading this he will know. He won't be reading this but I can dream. I also expect a restraining order shortly.

I digress though and I shall carry on. By the time we left for food it was raining and very windy and also dark. I had to contend with the fucking road works too. I got lost only once though and found my way to the hideous Sainsbury's of Newbury. Now, I love Sainsbury's even though I worked for them for nearly five years. It is where I met Dave though so not all bad (Eastleigh, not Newbury). This was a huge one that felt like a warehouse though and a strange carpark that was only partly covered. We bought a load of crap like cocktail sausages and cheese and headed back in the dark, at least it had stopped raining.

We ate this feast while watching Grand Designs because when you are two women of 30 (and nearly 30 in my friend's case) you love a bit of Grand Designs. It is like you hit a certain age and then Grand Designs is the greatest show on earth or something! For anyone not in the know it is a show that has been running since the dawn of time with the same presenter who spews cliches like you wouldn't believe. Posh people with more money than sense build stupid houses somewhere inaccessible for the builders to get to and then find out they didn't have as much money as they thought and go over budget. It is brilliant as you get to watch from the planning stages to the finished thing (not always finished) over the course of a couple of years of their lives but only an hour of yours.

Anyway, after that it was time for me to watch 8 Out of Ten Cats Does Countdown, which is another brilliant show. For anyone not in the know, 8 Out of Ten Cats was a show about statistics where comedians sat around and tried to work out what the top news stories were of the week and stuff like that. Then they took over the Countdown studio, Countdown being the show you have to watch by law when you are retired or a student and involves making words from jumbled letters you pick yourself and doing hard sums against a 30 second clock with a catchy tune. Having comedians do this is a genius move and I bloody love it!

Anyway, my friend fell asleep during it so I tried to sleep when it finished and couldn't because it was too hot (but I wasn't allowed the air conditioning on) and someone upstairs was running around banging doors.

8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Rachel Riley, Jimmy Carr, Susie Dent, Sean Lock and Jon Richardson.

Drama in the morning

Before I knew it the morning had broken and I had actually slept more than I thought (unless my sleep app is actually bollocks and was lying to me). We dressed and went for breakfast (which was alright but I think I have had better and more variety in a Premier Inn - I actually like a stay in a Premier Inn).

When we had finally packed and were ready to leave I went out to my car while my friend checked us out. I noticed my tyre was a little flat and decided to get my foot pump out to give it a boost. My morning coffee hadn't kicked in yet and I didn't realise the clamp had fallen off. This is important because it attaches the pump to the tyre to stop air escaping. As a result I tried to attach it and just lost more air.

Not to worry though, there was a petrol station at the Sainsbury's and that wasn't far so we hopped in the car and drove there. We found that of all the things to be fucking broken though the bloody air machine was and I couldn't use it!

Not to worry though because there was a Tesco just up the road and that also had a petrol station. I drove two minutes up the road and found the petrol station...or what was left of the bloody thing. They were renovating it and the whole thing was out of order! No air there then.

Not to worry, two minutes up the road is a Shell garage I was told. Nope, more like 5/6 miles up the road! I get there and paid the 50p for the air, at least it was working! I pumped up the tyre and felt better about things. Then I thought I would make the most of my 5 minutes of air that I paid for (it is free usually, I breathe it all the time so it must be, I am too tight to pay for it and would have died of asphyxiation a long time ago if I had to keep paying 50p every five minutes). I thought it would be a good idea to pump up the other front tyre to level them out. I took of the dust cap and immediately dropped it into the rim of the tyre.

At this point the only thing I could do was laugh like a maniac as I knelt in the dirt on the edge of the petrol station in the middle of nowhere but somewhere between Newbury and Basingstoke. My friend looked at me with a slightly worried look on her face as she witnessed my breakdown and decent into madness.

After collecting my thoughts I came to my senses and did what I do best, I went into problem solving mode. I might suffer with anxiety and be a wreck most of the time but you present me with a problem and I will solve it! I rolled my car back and the thing popped to the bottom of the tyre and I was able to get it out and black up my hands in the dirt at the same time. Not wanting to come across as accidently racist like I did that time in my French lesson at secondary school which I don't talk about (for the record it was actually my then boyfriend being slightly racist but I couldn't keep my mouth shut and somehow it all became my fault...thanks for that Sam) I washed my hands down with water from my car and possibly would have got some water borne disease in the process if I stuck my fingers in my mouth (which I do because I also have Dermatophagia where you bite the skin around your finger nails and I've done this since I was 7 - it's part of my anxiety apparently but by now it is also a habit but at least it won't kill me...or will it?)

HOME!

I eventually dropped off my friend and got home to my husband. I found out the tyre had gone down again because I never put the dust cap on properly after I filled it with air so we went shopping and got a new foot pump and now it is fine. In fact all my tyres were a little low so they are all fine now I have pumped them up.

I would say that the spa itself was an interesting experience and I am glad I went. It was fairly relaxing but also strange as I was out of my comfort zone really. By comparison I went to The Hobbit the night after and had all the weird cocktails and listened to some awesome rock, metal and pop punk with all my family and friends. This is relaxing as it is familiar. Doing something unusual was good for me though and showed me another side of life I wouldn't have done otherwise. I would like to thank my friend for this new experience as it was really interesting and I had no idea what it would be like so went in with no real expectations.

Leaving the place with the tyre saga probably got me stressed again but at least I was able to show my mad adulting skills!

That is the story of me at the spa.

Why did I title this cooking at the spa? Well, because when I told my colleague this story he said that with all the saunas, steam rooms and the warm treatment bath I could have taken some raw chicken with me and taken it into all these rooms with me and cooked it. He reckoned it would be lovely by the time it was done. He also told me to write my story out so I did in this blog. Thank you Keir.