Coping with Loss
How this year has taught us all lessons in coping with loss
This year has been tough. I have said this a lot in my blogs this year, but that is because it is true. Many people have lost someone close to them because of the COVID-19 virus, while others have lost people for other reasons.
How I experience loss
There is the obvious one, sadness. It is more than that though, it is deeper and more primal. When I experience loss it is coupled with frustration as I am unable to do anything about it. There is a purely selfish part to loss as well as I wonder what I will do without the person in my life.
For anyone who doesn't know what 'restless leg syndrome' is you are very lucky! Basically it comes on in the evenings at at night. Your skin feels like it is crawling and your limbs jerk and twitch (it is not just for the legs). I also feel it in my stomach muscles when it is really bad.
For me lying awake at night and feeling stressed also makes my stomach feel unsettled and even when I do sleep I wake in the morning with a sick feeling of nervousness. It is a struggle to eat in the mornings when I get like that, but it is so important that I do because otherwise I would have no energy to get through the day.
With experiencing two miscarriages this year it is very easy for me to blame myself for what happened, even though it was beyond my control. This makes me feel worthless and guilty for what happened and I shouldn't feel that way. There was nothing I could do, but I feel responsible.
Coping with loss
How do we cope with loss? Everyone has their own ways of doing this and there is a wealth of advice out there. For anyone living the UK I would look at this resource, it is one that can definitely be trusted: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/coping-with-bereavement/
For me I initially do not cope well. I almost want to deny that I have lost anything and then I start to worry too much about my own health. This is either because I worry I might have what the person had, or that stress is causing my IBS to play up (but of course it can't just be that, it has to be something more serious!). Then I come to terms with it. I accept that it has happened and this is where I face up to the feelings I have. This is where the grief comes in. It is always delayed for me.
When I lost a family member this year I didn't want to think about it for ages and I guess I have only just started to realise the impact now, three months on. It was sudden and I wanted them to meet any children I was going to have, that is now all gone and taken from me. Because of lockdown due to the virus this year I didn't have the opportunity to see them before they passed. This all feels like something has been robbed from me. It feels like something was robbed from them too.
In terms of coping with the loss of two pregnancies to miscarriage that is harder. I probably shouldn't have tried again when I did before the second one happened. I wasn't over the first one. That happened just before lockdown in February and because the world began to burn straight away after I never had a chance to stop and think about what it meant to me to lose a child like that. I should have taken the time to mend emotionally as well as physically. To be honest the second one was a surprise. We had only just begun trying again and I was convinced we wouldn't be successful the first time we tried. When I found out I was pregnant a part of me actually panicked. I wasn't expecting this to be the case and I didn't know if I was actually ready. Because of these worries, which are common ones, I blame myself for the second miscarriage. If I hadn't thought that way then I wouldn't have lost it. I know I can't blame myself though and I am only just coming to terms with that thought. I would have lost it anyway. If there was a problem there was no way I was going to carry it to term.
Once all these feelings are done though I give myself time to grieve. I like to think about what I lost and what I could have had, but then I think about the good times I had with the person I lost. In terms of the miscarriage it is a little harder to do as the person never really existed, so I try to think about it as just being the wrong time and acknowledge that it will happen for me when the time is right.
It is important to have someone to talk to when you are grieving. Make sure you have a good support network of family and friends around you to support you and listen to you. That is what they are there for after all. It is easy to feel like a burden in those circumstances, but remember, they love and care for you and will be worrying about you if you don't open up to them. The good times will return and they will be by your side when they do come. I am very lucky that I have a very understanding husband who really cares for me and will do anything to help and support me when times get tricky.
Making a list of all the things you are greatful for can really help as well. Remember all the good things about the person you lost and write them down. These are the things you are really going to want to remember as time goes on. It might feel painful, but giving yourself time to really think about the person is the best thing. Bottling it up and not acknowledging the loss will make it hit hard at a later time.
Cry. Embrace the emotions you are feeling. They are totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of. We in Britain talk about the 'stiff upper lip' and say that we shouldn't show emotion, but that is so wrong. If you feel like crying then cry. It will make you feel better in the long run to just accept your emotions and go with the flow. I find that a good long cry can help me clear my thoughts and get back to where I need to be emotionally. It can help me to focus on the important things and start my life back up again.
Remember, we all experience loss differently and it is never a good thing for anyone. You also don't know what is going on in someone's life so be kind to people. You never know what a difference a little act of kindness will make.
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