Memories of past triumph
As I approach my 30's I already seem to have a problem with memories of past triumph. I am not sure why this is exactly, but when I look back at things that I excelled at in the past I notice signs that things in the future are not all that swell.
The most obvious things for me are stupid things such as not being able to drink as much as I once could. This, it turns out is a blessing. I would not say that the ability to drink excessively is exactly a triumph of one's youth, but it is a sign that my capacity for excess in any sense is dwindling already.
When I look back at highlights of my life I find myself longing for those times again. A year ago I found myself looking back to the summer of 2003. This was the year I left school and received my GCSE results. I remember participating in my exams with almost photographic clarity and then the memories of taking a portable radio outside to sit in the baking sun in the mornings and dashing back inside to watch Wimbledon (the first week of the championship anyway). Then came results day itself. I had built this up in my mind and worried more about my Maths result than anything as the threat of giving up one of my AS Level subjects to take the dreaded course again loomed on the horizon. I had tried not to think about this unhappy event while holidaying with my family in the West Country (some standard little cottage in the middle of nowhere which would involve a lot of hill top walking and much sunburn as most of my childhood holidays did). Come results day though I was plagued with the knowledge that my best friend was now seeing my boyfriend (although he was now no longer my boyfriend). The friend in question was the only person who knew that I was actually back with my boyfriend after our split that Easter that had only lasted 2 weeks before we realised we were being stupid and we came back together. As I received my results envelope though the childish nature of my failed relationship went totally out of my mind. I tore the envelope open, read through my results and discovered that I had obtained a C in Maths! This meant no retakes at college! I was then free to enjoy the fact that I had totalled a brilliant 11 GCSEs all A* - C grades. That one grade was the biggest relief in the world to me.
Fast forward to college and I did not get the grades I needed for my first choice university. I was filled with fear as my parents suggested I get a full time job rather than pursue my dream of studying history at my second choice university, Winchester, which had accepted me! Incidently I scored enough points to get into my first choice ordinarily, but because my college had insisted we take General Studies as an additional qualification my target was increased by this particular institution and I was denied access on that basis. Something I have never forgiven either the college or university in question for. I persuaded my parents that Winchester was the better option (I had wanted it as first choice, but my parents insisted I put it as second choice) and I spent three of the best years of my life there.
These memories of past study triumphs make me yearn for education again. I long to be sat in a lecture room on a warm late spring day learning the ways the Normans tried to quell the uprisings shortly after their conquest or to read the words of Asser as he waxed lyrical about Alfred the Great.
More recently still my fiancé has been learning to drive a car. He has been riding a motorbike for some years but I finally pushed him into it and he has so far had three lessons. I am very proud. Still, it made me go back to being 17 years old and that first time behind the wheel of a car. I had been waiting most of my life for this. I was desperate to learn and so excited after my first lesson. I remember all my lessons and my theory and practical tests and I longed to be that age and feel that joy and excitement about driving again. Now I mostly just swear at the 'idiots' on the road who stop me driving correctly.
Then there are friends. The aforementioned with the boyfriend who was my boyfriend is someone I still spent time with in college. Rather inevitably we drifted apart when university came round and we never really spent all that much time together since. This is a shame as we persuaded most people at our school that we were either half sisters or cousins. A couple of weeks ago we got back in contact and it was nice to forget all the bullshit of the past and come together as adults. It was interesting to think that the person I would yell "poo pizza" down the phone at or "He flies around and doesn't stop, he hasn't heard of soda pop!" (a poem by a friend we found mounted to an English classroom wall) is now going through the same adult issues as me such as housing, driving, work, etc.
Another friend I have more recently lost contact with. I knew him since we were around five years old and we were so close! We almost grew up together I suppose. There was an awkward moment when at 16 he seemed to take a fancy to me (we ended up going to the school leaver's do together - no such things as 'proms' in my day). This may have been because our mothers thought we would be a good match and they tried to get us together. My mother had no idea about my first boyfriend and to this day I have never confirmed that I had a relationship with him to her. Anyway, we stayed in contact through university and then until a couple of years ago. He went back to university to complete a masters and begin a PhD and found a girlfriend. Then I was forgotten. Like I didn't exist at all. I have had no contact with him since except for the odd random 'like' on a facebook status. This is not through lack of trying. I have tried to get in contact with him and I have never succeeded. This is hurtful. After all, there can be no issue around relationships if we are both happily with other people. I would just like this person still in my life.
Then the man who entered my life, saved it and later became a good friend. Only after breaking off his relationship and having a musical career change he has become silent. I hope this is not a case of me losing yet another friend.
How are friends a triumph? Well, I have suffered through life with depression and anxiety disorders. Reading this you may think you have the ability to simply talk to someone and they may become a friend or they may not. You might not worry about this too much. I do. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to talk to someone, so when they become a friend it is huge for me. When they cut me out of their lives, or appear to by no longer remaining in communication with me, I struggle in my mind. I think I have done something to drive them away. This is something I am worrying about a lot recently as I look back at my life.
The most obvious things for me are stupid things such as not being able to drink as much as I once could. This, it turns out is a blessing. I would not say that the ability to drink excessively is exactly a triumph of one's youth, but it is a sign that my capacity for excess in any sense is dwindling already.
When I look back at highlights of my life I find myself longing for those times again. A year ago I found myself looking back to the summer of 2003. This was the year I left school and received my GCSE results. I remember participating in my exams with almost photographic clarity and then the memories of taking a portable radio outside to sit in the baking sun in the mornings and dashing back inside to watch Wimbledon (the first week of the championship anyway). Then came results day itself. I had built this up in my mind and worried more about my Maths result than anything as the threat of giving up one of my AS Level subjects to take the dreaded course again loomed on the horizon. I had tried not to think about this unhappy event while holidaying with my family in the West Country (some standard little cottage in the middle of nowhere which would involve a lot of hill top walking and much sunburn as most of my childhood holidays did). Come results day though I was plagued with the knowledge that my best friend was now seeing my boyfriend (although he was now no longer my boyfriend). The friend in question was the only person who knew that I was actually back with my boyfriend after our split that Easter that had only lasted 2 weeks before we realised we were being stupid and we came back together. As I received my results envelope though the childish nature of my failed relationship went totally out of my mind. I tore the envelope open, read through my results and discovered that I had obtained a C in Maths! This meant no retakes at college! I was then free to enjoy the fact that I had totalled a brilliant 11 GCSEs all A* - C grades. That one grade was the biggest relief in the world to me.
Fast forward to college and I did not get the grades I needed for my first choice university. I was filled with fear as my parents suggested I get a full time job rather than pursue my dream of studying history at my second choice university, Winchester, which had accepted me! Incidently I scored enough points to get into my first choice ordinarily, but because my college had insisted we take General Studies as an additional qualification my target was increased by this particular institution and I was denied access on that basis. Something I have never forgiven either the college or university in question for. I persuaded my parents that Winchester was the better option (I had wanted it as first choice, but my parents insisted I put it as second choice) and I spent three of the best years of my life there.
These memories of past study triumphs make me yearn for education again. I long to be sat in a lecture room on a warm late spring day learning the ways the Normans tried to quell the uprisings shortly after their conquest or to read the words of Asser as he waxed lyrical about Alfred the Great.
More recently still my fiancé has been learning to drive a car. He has been riding a motorbike for some years but I finally pushed him into it and he has so far had three lessons. I am very proud. Still, it made me go back to being 17 years old and that first time behind the wheel of a car. I had been waiting most of my life for this. I was desperate to learn and so excited after my first lesson. I remember all my lessons and my theory and practical tests and I longed to be that age and feel that joy and excitement about driving again. Now I mostly just swear at the 'idiots' on the road who stop me driving correctly.
Then there are friends. The aforementioned with the boyfriend who was my boyfriend is someone I still spent time with in college. Rather inevitably we drifted apart when university came round and we never really spent all that much time together since. This is a shame as we persuaded most people at our school that we were either half sisters or cousins. A couple of weeks ago we got back in contact and it was nice to forget all the bullshit of the past and come together as adults. It was interesting to think that the person I would yell "poo pizza" down the phone at or "He flies around and doesn't stop, he hasn't heard of soda pop!" (a poem by a friend we found mounted to an English classroom wall) is now going through the same adult issues as me such as housing, driving, work, etc.
Another friend I have more recently lost contact with. I knew him since we were around five years old and we were so close! We almost grew up together I suppose. There was an awkward moment when at 16 he seemed to take a fancy to me (we ended up going to the school leaver's do together - no such things as 'proms' in my day). This may have been because our mothers thought we would be a good match and they tried to get us together. My mother had no idea about my first boyfriend and to this day I have never confirmed that I had a relationship with him to her. Anyway, we stayed in contact through university and then until a couple of years ago. He went back to university to complete a masters and begin a PhD and found a girlfriend. Then I was forgotten. Like I didn't exist at all. I have had no contact with him since except for the odd random 'like' on a facebook status. This is not through lack of trying. I have tried to get in contact with him and I have never succeeded. This is hurtful. After all, there can be no issue around relationships if we are both happily with other people. I would just like this person still in my life.
Then the man who entered my life, saved it and later became a good friend. Only after breaking off his relationship and having a musical career change he has become silent. I hope this is not a case of me losing yet another friend.
How are friends a triumph? Well, I have suffered through life with depression and anxiety disorders. Reading this you may think you have the ability to simply talk to someone and they may become a friend or they may not. You might not worry about this too much. I do. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to talk to someone, so when they become a friend it is huge for me. When they cut me out of their lives, or appear to by no longer remaining in communication with me, I struggle in my mind. I think I have done something to drive them away. This is something I am worrying about a lot recently as I look back at my life.
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