Can being a fan save your life?

On being a fan and the number of times it has saved me

You hear this a lot (or read it a lot) if you go online and scroll through your twitter or tumblr timeline. Someone will be talking about how a particular song, band, tv show or film saved their life. You might not understand this way of thinking and I am genuinely happy for you because it means you have had the stability in your life to just enjoy things without them taking on a greater meaning for you. However, I am one of those people and I am going to explain how being a fan of different things at different times saved my life...in some cases literally!

How Lord of the Rings saved me

The year was 2001 and on 28 December I (just turned 15 years old) went to the cinema with my family to see the first in a trilogy of films adapted from the J.R.R. Tolkein series, The Lord of the Rings. This first instalment was called The Fellowship of the Ring and tells the story of a band of different peoples (Dwarfs, Elves, Men and Hobbits) as they begin their journey to destroy the evil ring of power, used by the Dark Lord Sauron, in the fires of Mount Doom.

What I loved about the story was that sense of belonging somewhere. This group of travellers were an unlikely group thrown together by fate who become like a brotherhood. They were all the members of their own societies who were deemed a little strange. You had Strider (Aragorn) who was a mysterious outcast; Legolas the Elf who wanted more than to protect his people's land; Gimli the Dwarf who sought adventure and honor; Boromir who had the weight of his people and his father's madness upon his shoulders; Gandalf the wizard who had this quest thrust on him as it became clear no one else could be trusted; Pippin, the Hobbit who was young and foolish and needed to grow up; Merry, the Hobbit who wanted to prove that he was worth something to the world; Frodo, the Hobbit who had the ring passed on to him and with it the burden of the world and Sam, the Hobbit who just wanted to tend his garden and was willing to sacrifice everything to keep his home and family safe.

I had spent years on-and-off being bullied at school and treated as an outcast, but here was a fantasy world that I could escape to where being different didn't matter and you could be friends with anyone. I devoured the books as well as the films and listened to the radio adaptation over and over again. I had posters all over my wall and even got one from the school library when they were done with it. I loved the idea of this world where even the smallest person had the biggest part to play and everyone had worth. It gave me hope and helped me to carry on when all else seemed dark and I was an outcast to everyone else.

How My Chemical Romance saved me

Of all the cliches you will read online this is a big one. Every fan of this band says they saved their lives and that is because it is true! I truly believe anyone who says that discovering MCR saved them in some way because it really did happen to me too.

I was in my first year of university in 2006 and had just gone through a really tough time. My nan had passed away mid-way through the academic year and I was living at home so not only did I have my grief to deal with, but I also had my own mum's grief too. It was tough having to be the strong one while carrying on with my academic studies and a part-time job that was giving me hell and making things more difficult than it needed to be at the time. I also felt isolated as a lot of my friends had gone off to other universities and I had been single for a year or so and didn't feel that I had anyone to talk to.

To say I got low would be understatement of the century. I had visions of me deliberately crashing my car or jumping off a bridge and they didn't scare me. I was fed up of feeling fed up with the world and felt like I was drowning all the time. Then I discovered MCR.

I was already a HUGE Green Day fan and then they put together a compilation CD for a magazine (I think it was NME). On this CD was a band they had recently taken on tour with them called My Chemical Romance and I think the track was 'It's Not A Fashion Statement...' from their Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge album. I fell in love with them the moment I heard it and rushed to buy Three Cheers and their debut album on an indie label (I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love).

I was hooked. I would drive along belting the lyrics at the top of my lungs. I started to adopt the 'emo' culture (I was already a Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco fan) and began dressing in black with the sweeping fringe. Anything to do with MCR I would purchase and to this day I still have t-shirts and DVDs. I still love the first three albums (not a huge fan of their fourth I'm afraid) and I am still so excited that they are making a come back (I will forgive that fourth album).

One day I was driving home from work in the dark and was listening to Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge when I realised I was smiling as I was singing. This was the first time I had felt happiness in about six months and I no longer had those dark visions of my own demise. I was genuinely happy and I knew I owed it all to this weird family of MCR fans I had found as well as the band and their music. It literally saved me because here were some other weirdos and misfits who all knew what it was like to be angry at the world and frustrated that they seemed powerless to do anything about it. I felt I belonged and I felt safe within this emo world. I literally credit emo culture with saving me and MCR lead the way.

How nu-Grave saved me

Nu-Grave was a movement of music that was very niche and peaked around 2012 - 2014. The Grandfather of nu-Grave is Wil Francis, formerly of Aiden fame and later of William Control fame. In 2008 he released his first album as William Control, Hate Culture.

At the time I was going through a mentally abusive relationship. My then boyfriend would dictate what I could wear, who I could spend time with and where I could go. He had a copy of my uni timetable and later my work schedule so he knew where I was and would flip out if I was too long in texting him back. He would regularly stand me up, but I was NEVER to do the same to him. He scared me because, although the abuse was not yet physical (it nearly was at the end of the relationship but I had enough about me to leave before it got going), the mental abuse was enough to crush me.

This 2008 album dealt with issues about toxic relationships and how it would all be dealt with on a personal level. For some reason this album rang too true to me and made me realise that, unless I did something, this could very well kill me. So I got out! I somehow found the courage to turn him away and I sought counselling for anxiety and low self-esteem. Within months I had turned my life around and in 2009 I started dating the man I would go on to marry. That was not an easy journey though.

In 2012 I was in another job that was causing me more stress and anxiety than it needed to. I was line managing a team that just couldn't work together and were actually ganging up on me at times (I am proud to say I sorted all of this out in the end through communication and fairness...but it wasn't easy). At the same time my boyfriend of the time (now husband) was struggling to find work after leaving uni at the time of the financial crash of 2008/09. He had a part-time job, but it wasn't enough.

Anyone who has anxiety or depression will tell you that the big things you can deal with for months or even years. The little things are the ones that push you over the edge and cause you to want to end it all. For me it was a proposal that I wasn't even expecting...that failed to happen.

I know that sounds weird, but hear me out. We went on holiday to Ibiza together and, as we walked through the airport after landing, my boyfriend looked at his phone and sighed. I badgered him about it (my downfall) and he told me that he had planned on proposing to me while we were on holiday, but the ring he ordered hadn't come in to the shop in time so he wasn't going to do it now. I was elated and crushed all at the same moment and this stayed with me well into the holiday. One night, after too much sangria and my anxiety preventing me from getting up and singing at the karaoke (I am actually a pretty damn good singer...there's a little fact about me) I tried to throw myself off of the balcony that was about three stories high.

Just before our holiday I had been to a William Control gig in Southampton. He had a band opening for him called Fearless Vampire Killers. They were awesome and soon became my new favourite band. FVK were going on a joint headline tour with a band called The Dead Lay Waiting and I thought I should check them out before seeing the tour. I fell in love with them too. Both of these bands saved my life.

I had been tweeting the bands and the great thing was that they would tweet fans back. They were a bit DIY in how they put their albums out and did their tours and knew that interaction with fans was important. Also, both bands weren't in the position to do just the music full-time so each band member had other jobs (or were in uni) so had time to tweet back. Knowing I had tickets and had arranged to meet some of the band members in a month's time held be back from throwing myself off that balcony. I really wanted to meet them and thank them for taking the time to make me feel included. It was enough to pull me back when my boyfriend had no idea what I was doing. When I got back inside I told him and we held each other and we cried. I promised never to do something like that again. I have never done something like that again.

I did get to meet both bands and for a time was running a fan account for TDLW. I would regularly meet them at shows and I still love both bands and their music, despite the fact that neither exists any more.

At this point I want to give a shout out to Ashes to Angels and Crilly in particular. That band was part of the nu-Grave movement and would regularly tour with William Control. They were not playing the night FVK were in Southampton so it took a few more months before I got the opportunity to see them. Crilly was so nice to me and would go out of his way to make me feel happy and safe at the gigs. He understood I had anxiety and it was a big deal for me to come out in public and see his band perform so would always say hello to me in front of everyone there during his set as well as meeting me after (not as scary as you'd think for an anxiety sufferer, it made me feel special).

So therefore I can't say one band saved me...they all did from that movement.

ONE OK ROCK saved me

When we were buying our house it was damn stressful. We were in new jobs and we had already been engaged for about three years, but we were finally starting our lives together. It just took far longer than necessary (complications with solicitors) to get in our house. On top of that we had to buy everything from scratch and it was difficult for someone with anxiety to deal with so many different people and organise so many different things. Part of my anxiety manifests itself in being a control freak (like I hate flying so I want to be the pilot) and this was no exception. My then fiance (now husband) was fantastic and helped me keep my head on straight, but I was really ill with the anxiety for months.

I felt like I was having heart attacks, I worried I had cancer, I couldn't breathe...all the horrible physical symptoms of anxiety came out at once.

Around this time I discovered the Japanese rock band ONE OK ROCK and fell in love with their music. I had recently seen the Rurouni Kenshin trilogy of films and they had provided songs for the end credits of every single one.

Towards the end of 2015 my anxiety was getting to its absolute worst and it was badly affecting my work as well as my relationships. I was even having tests to see if there was actually anything wrong with me at the time and I was in a bad way.

However, I did still get tickets to go and see OOR for the first time in London. I remember standing in the crowd as they came onstage and feeling a rush of emotion. I was happy again and I felt safe in this crowd. Like me, they all knew every word (even in Japanese) and we were singing as one. Even the band were overwhelmed by the positive reaction they received from us all singing back to them. This was just before Christmas and it gave me a massive high.

This wasn't the end of it though. I still had a fight on my hands and Christmas and New Year were tough. Within days of going back to work I was off sick as I couldn't cope. I was sat listening to OOR 35XXXV album though and realised I wanted to enjoy life and not just exist. I wanted that feeling back from that gig in December and I was going to do something about it. Luckily the place I work offers a free telephone counselling service and I phoned them. Talking to someone again really helped me to put things in perspective and to develop new coping strategies.

By the end of January 2016 I had a wedding date set and was beginning planning. All because a positive experience with one of my favourite bands helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Supernatural saved me

I am really late to this party. In January 2019 I was sat having lunch with my two best work friends when they told me to watch this show called Supernatural. Series 1-13 were being streamed for free on Amazon Prime (of which I am a member) and it would be totally worth watching.

Now, I thought I knew what this show was about. I have been on tumblr for years (this goes back to the days of nu-Grave when I would make gifs from the bands' videos and post them there). The impression I got from tumblr was that there were these two hot brothers who killed monsters with their pet gay angel (who one of them may, or may not, have been in a relationship with). I would like to say that this description is not entirely inaccurate...but it is not actually what the show is about at all! I will come back to this later.

In the build up to January 2019 we had gone through a rather rough restructuring at work and people in the same job as me didn't know if we would have jobs in the near future as we were going to be under review. On top of that I had been covering someone else's full-time job as well as my own work and there was no end in sight. The stress was getting to me and I needed to find an escape or drown. That's when Supernatural saved me.

Now, I have the loving support of my husband and he did a great job in 2019 of keeping me calm and focused when things were going wrong at work and when we had a major leak in our house at the end of the year. He is my rock and I would both kill and die for that man. However, I sometimes need escapism. I need a place my brain can run to when I need to not focus on the horribleness of the world and I want to pretend I am somewhere else. This is where Supernatural came in for me.

Between January and April 2019 I dipped in and out of series one. I was starting to get more hooked at the end of the series as I became more invested and the chemistry between the brothers became more intense. Then I had the busiest month in May (holiday, husband's birthday and going to see WWE - I also love wrestling) and couldn't see any of it. However, in June I got really sick with the mother of all colds. I could do nothing but sit on the sofa and feel sorry for myself...so I stuck Supernatural series 2 on and binged the whole series of 22 episodes across two days off sick! I fell in love with the Winchesters and totally bought in to their story. By the end (no spoilers from me) I was in tears as one had to make an impossible choice and all I wanted to do was adopt Sam and Dean and look after them forever (yes I was naive and I know now that it was going to get tougher than that even).

From June onwards I started binging every series. I also found out around this time that season 15 would be the final season ever and was due to start airing in October 2019. I made it my mission to catch-up and vowed to be at the same place as the Americans viewing it by Christmas Day. I am very proud to say that I achieved this and I have seen everything up to and including S15 E8 with E9 airing on 16 January 2020 (I am writing this on 7 January 2020 during the mid-season break). I watched all 14.5 seasons before Christmas Day when I only started at the beginning of the year. This was while holding down a full-time job and a relationship. I also went to a friend's wedding, had another holiday and went to Wimbledon and the ATP Finals in this time. I lived life and still managed to watch that much of this wonderful show.

Work was still difficult at times as I was still covering two full-time roles and there was no end in sight. I just couldn't deal with what was going on (sorry for being vague, but it is technically still going on so I can't really talk about it). Supernatural became my espcape. On a horror side I have always loved Dracula, Buffy, Frankenstien and anything to do with ghosts or witches and demons.

On the other side were the Winchesters and their pet gay angel...or not quite that. You see I had been slightly mis-lead. Personally I would love Destiel to be a thing and totally believe it is canon to the story. I don't want the smut stuff, I like the idea of domestic Dean and Cas (I spell it Cas) hanging around the bunker and making breakfast, snuggling on the couch to watch a movie...all that stuff. The fluff stuff (fluff not smut).

I digress though. This was a show about family. A wise man once said "family don't end in blood" and this is so true! For years I had said to people that "friends are the family you choose" and this is the same sentiment. Yes, the Winchesters are blood related, but they had their adopted dad (Bobby), sister Charlie, mum Jodi, Cas (you decide on that relationship) and all the others (Rowena, Crowley, Gabriel, Jo, Ellen, etc.). This was a show about family and doing anything to save it and protect it.

However, as anyone in the Supernatural fandom will tell you, it doesn't just end there. You see, Supernatural fans are one big family. There is even a tag for it on social media #SPNFamily and it fills my heart with joy to see the cast, crew and fans all using that same tag. I have never seen such a supportive bunch of people who all seem to care about each other as well as this show that brought them all together. Yes, there are pockets of rot like any fandom, you will never get rid of all of that, but for the most part this is the most positive group of people I have ever seen.

On top of that you have fans working together to do things for charity through things like Random Acts (set up by Misha Collins (Castiel)) and that force for good is so powerful and has helped to restore my faith in humanity a little bit.

Then there is my idol. It feels weird saying that about a man only four years older than me, but that is what Jared Padalecki has become, my idol. Reading his own words about his own fight against anxiety and depression has really helped me come to terms with my own mental health fight. I am so glad he uses the word 'fight' rather than 'struggle' because that is how I have always viewed it, a fight. It is one I intend to win and I know it will never be over (I've had anxiety as long as I can remember and was diagnosed half a life time ago). Being open about mental health is never easy and yet here is this man with the world at his feet admitting that it has even come for him and that every day is a fight. This man seems to live to prank other people and have a laugh and yet there is this demon fighting him every day and he deals with that by opening up to the world and being honest. Even Jared has admitted that being a fan of something has helped him at various points in his life and that means he is just like me. I would do anything to be able to get a message to him and say thank you for getting people talking and taking ownership of this and being honest. It means that for the first time in years I don't feel so alone.

Yes, my husband catches me when I fall, but he has a different set of issues to me and his own fight so we can't truly understand how the other feels...we can only be there for each other when we need it.

My point is that when I discovered Supernatural it was the latest thing to save me. Not only was the Supernatural world one I could escape to when it all got too much, it was a place where I could discover some amazing fans who make me feel better about the world. Supernatural also connected me to the fact that anxiety and depression can hit anyone, but you can fight it and you can win against it. That's the message I take from Jared and, again, I would love to thank him for igniting those discussions and spreading that message so that I don't feel alone in this now.

Since becoming a fan of this show I have felt my confidence boost and I have felt like I can do anything. I have learned to embrace the weird side of me and when someone tells me I am strange I proudly admit it and tell them I want to live in a world where the word 'normal' is an insult (thank you Misha Collins). I feel like I can take on the world and I can enjoy life and live in the moment. When it gets too much I can escape to the Supernatural world and enjoy those wonderful episodes. My only regret is that I discovered it just as it was ending. What I love is that the family will continue for years (hopefully forever) and we will always have that connection to the cast, crew and each other.

Supernatural saved me and I know it saved a lot of other people too. It was a long line of things that saved me, but I am so happy now in a way I haven't been for years and I feel like this one will continue to save me for some time.

Remember, you are not alone and you should always keep fighting.