Life at different paces
"Life, don't talk to me about life." - Marvin the Paranoid Android - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
That is usually what I think when people want to talk about life. We are doing this constantly on social media though. We are all shouting about our lives via tweets and Facebook statuses (especially now Facebook has made the text bigger for shorter posts). Don't worry, I am honestly as guilty as the next person for this. What effect does this have on us all though?
Before I started arranging my wedding at the beginning of the year I became really aware of the number of people I knew from all areas of my life who were getting married. I think the ones from Uni were the most obvious because they were all the people around my age. For about two years before I got married I could see all these people getting married and, although I was engaged, I was really aware that I was not financially in a position to get married yet as we had not even bought a house! This made me feel terrible every time a new set of wedding photos turned up. I was ready for this and I wanted it to happen so seeing everyone else's seemingly happy weddings made me feel terrible.
Luckily we did indeed buy a house and we did indeed get married and then I noticed a few other things. There were not as many happy people as I thought there were and loads of people had moved on yet again! The last thing was that I noticed a lot of people who still seemed to be in the same situation as when we were in college. These are three distinct groups out of my friend list so let me talk about them all separately.
Now, before I begin I will be taking out some groups. There are the people who are a generation older than me. People like my friend's parents and aunts and uncles. Also the people who are relations of my husband who are that generation older. Then there are the people a lot younger than me. I run a street team for a band and I have met some amazing people online and in real life as a result of that band, the previous band I ran the street team for and the wonderful and much missed Fearless Vampire Killers fandom. These online friends are amazing people and I have tried to be like an older sister to some of them when they were a little younger. I am so proud of all the people I have met and I am so proud to see them grow into amazing young adults. I will write a separate blog about them though.
The reason I want to take those two groups out is because I want to focus on the people who are the same age as me (plus or minus a couple of years). This is all the people I grew up with or we were the same age at uni, etc. That is because I will make a point at the end that I think is quite important but I want to show a direct comparison of people who are the same age.
1. People are not as happy as I thought
All those people that got married were not as happy as I thought. Yes, there is a good proportion of them that are really, really happy. Then there are the people who have already got a divorce. I actually don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of couples the same age as me who were already divorced or separated and going through a divorce by the time I got married! These are people who are around the age of 30 now! That means that in the last 10 years they have already got to the position where they could get married and live with someone and then hate them enough to want a divorce. I have been with my husband for nearly 8 years and we have only just got married and I can't imagine life without him. How is it possible to go from love to hate so quickly?
The interesting thing is that all those who have broken up were really happy in all their social media posts and were always showing the bright side of married life. Then, one day, out of the blue, they are all over social media telling the world what a c*** their partner is and how they never want to see them again. Were there problems for a long time that they were just covering up?
Studies have shown that people want to present an idealised view of themselves to the world and they are not honest about all the shit stuff that happens. Maybe people are hiding problems behind social media until they can't hide it any longer. Even though I try and be truthful there are certain things I don't put on social media because I have learned from experience that people don't want to see it and will call me out on the miserable shit. I self edit like anyone else.
Even the people who got married around the same time as me posted all the amazing things about their day on to Facebook and then, when I met them after the event to talk about it, they complained about all the little things that went wrong and 'almost ruined the day'. I think that could be down to that blues feeling after a big event. It is such an emotional day that you get all hyped up for the 'perfect day' and then if something goes wrong you focus on it when you come down from the high. However, I would like to state here that I did have the perfect day and really can't complain about a thing! I am not even self editing here...I really do think I had the perfect wedding...see! We look really happy.
3. People who stay the same
Then I realised that people stay the same! When I was at college there was a huge group of us who were friends but I never see them anymore. Part of this is because I had a crap relationship about 8 years ago (literally just before I got with Dave) and this person stopped me from seeing my friends. At the time I thought they had all moved on without me. Then I realised I could not have been more wrong. Ok, so two of them who are uber religious got married just after college but other than that the whole group is stuck like they are 18 years old. Great that they feel they have this freedom but at the age of 30 there is some pride I have in being a 'proper' adult.
They still do the same things they did at 18 and behave the same way. There is no maturity or change there. Recently I was taking part in an interesting online course about subculture in Japan and this got me thinking about people here. The section of the course was talking about young adults and the culture of 'kawaii' or 'cute'. These people are trying to cling on to something from their childhood because of fears of adult responsibility. I realised this was not something specifically from Japan and that my generation has also become a little like this. There are so many people clinging on to the memories of their late teens and they don't want the responsibility of a house and married life. They actively avoid it. I know some people who would kill to own their own home but there are many more that I grew up with who have no interest in this sort of life at all.
That said, is there anything wrong with this? I am sad that these people I had as friends 10-12 years ago no longer have anything to do with me. They don't know what I went through and they have left me despite my attempts to reach out to them over the years. I am sad for that part of my youth that I lost and missed out on with them because of the actions of someone who was just so insecure in themselves that they had to ruin my life. Hindsight is powerful and I really wish I had not let that happen but it did and it made me the person I am today. My old friends made their choice to get rid of me from their friendship group and yet remain a contact on Facebook so I guess not all the doors are shut. I do wish I could reconnect but I fear there are too many differences between me and them now just because of the different experiences we have had from the last 10 years and the apparent differences in life goals now.
Maybe I am wrong again though. They post about their meet ups and seem really happy together but maybe they are just miserable in other aspects of their lives. Maybe their careers haven't gone as they liked. Maybe they are not in a position to leave their parent's homes so they remain in that childlike state to compensate for this. If they are forced to live as children then that is what they will do. I can't judge them for that.
Conclusion:
I guess that everyone is hiding behind social media because in the past only a select group of trusted people in the community would know if you had a problem and if you didn't have that network you would feel really isolated.
The other thing is that everyone moves at their own pace. Just because one of my friends has been married for nearly 10 years and has a couple of kids and one is still living at home with their parents while I am in the middle doesn't make any of us right or wrong. Our own personal experiences and circumstances have meant that we have got to this stage in our lives and we should be happy with who we are and where we are. I can't let those with kids make me feel guilty about not wanting them yet. At the same time I can't judge those who are not in a position to move out and get married yet. We all work to our own pace and plan and only we know when we are ready to make the next step.
So next time I see someone post something about their 'perfect' child I will be sure to like or comment positively about it. After all, they might not have slept that night or their kid might have thrown up over the carpet five minutes after the photo was taken. By the same degree, when one of my friends posts their meet ups on Facebook maybe a way to reconnect is to say that it looked like fun and I hope they all had a great time. At the end of the day I am happy where I am and with what I am doing and so should they be.
For those who have had a crap time in relationships, we have all been there and done that. It does make you stronger, even if it doesn't feel like it. Hold tight, you can get through it. I believe it is all part of life's rich tapestry. Good luck and I'm here if you need me.
Social media is great for selling ourselves but don't let other's selling make you feel bad. We are all going through life at different paces and we all have our own shit going on.
That is usually what I think when people want to talk about life. We are doing this constantly on social media though. We are all shouting about our lives via tweets and Facebook statuses (especially now Facebook has made the text bigger for shorter posts). Don't worry, I am honestly as guilty as the next person for this. What effect does this have on us all though?
Before I started arranging my wedding at the beginning of the year I became really aware of the number of people I knew from all areas of my life who were getting married. I think the ones from Uni were the most obvious because they were all the people around my age. For about two years before I got married I could see all these people getting married and, although I was engaged, I was really aware that I was not financially in a position to get married yet as we had not even bought a house! This made me feel terrible every time a new set of wedding photos turned up. I was ready for this and I wanted it to happen so seeing everyone else's seemingly happy weddings made me feel terrible.
Luckily we did indeed buy a house and we did indeed get married and then I noticed a few other things. There were not as many happy people as I thought there were and loads of people had moved on yet again! The last thing was that I noticed a lot of people who still seemed to be in the same situation as when we were in college. These are three distinct groups out of my friend list so let me talk about them all separately.
Now, before I begin I will be taking out some groups. There are the people who are a generation older than me. People like my friend's parents and aunts and uncles. Also the people who are relations of my husband who are that generation older. Then there are the people a lot younger than me. I run a street team for a band and I have met some amazing people online and in real life as a result of that band, the previous band I ran the street team for and the wonderful and much missed Fearless Vampire Killers fandom. These online friends are amazing people and I have tried to be like an older sister to some of them when they were a little younger. I am so proud of all the people I have met and I am so proud to see them grow into amazing young adults. I will write a separate blog about them though.
The reason I want to take those two groups out is because I want to focus on the people who are the same age as me (plus or minus a couple of years). This is all the people I grew up with or we were the same age at uni, etc. That is because I will make a point at the end that I think is quite important but I want to show a direct comparison of people who are the same age.
1. People are not as happy as I thought
All those people that got married were not as happy as I thought. Yes, there is a good proportion of them that are really, really happy. Then there are the people who have already got a divorce. I actually don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of couples the same age as me who were already divorced or separated and going through a divorce by the time I got married! These are people who are around the age of 30 now! That means that in the last 10 years they have already got to the position where they could get married and live with someone and then hate them enough to want a divorce. I have been with my husband for nearly 8 years and we have only just got married and I can't imagine life without him. How is it possible to go from love to hate so quickly?
The interesting thing is that all those who have broken up were really happy in all their social media posts and were always showing the bright side of married life. Then, one day, out of the blue, they are all over social media telling the world what a c*** their partner is and how they never want to see them again. Were there problems for a long time that they were just covering up?
Studies have shown that people want to present an idealised view of themselves to the world and they are not honest about all the shit stuff that happens. Maybe people are hiding problems behind social media until they can't hide it any longer. Even though I try and be truthful there are certain things I don't put on social media because I have learned from experience that people don't want to see it and will call me out on the miserable shit. I self edit like anyone else.
Even the people who got married around the same time as me posted all the amazing things about their day on to Facebook and then, when I met them after the event to talk about it, they complained about all the little things that went wrong and 'almost ruined the day'. I think that could be down to that blues feeling after a big event. It is such an emotional day that you get all hyped up for the 'perfect day' and then if something goes wrong you focus on it when you come down from the high. However, I would like to state here that I did have the perfect day and really can't complain about a thing! I am not even self editing here...I really do think I had the perfect wedding...see! We look really happy.
(Ok, Dave just looks exhausted because he was nervous in the ceremony but he was happy.)
My point is that people project a happy exterior to sell themselves a certain way on social media but they aren't really that happy.
2. People moved on again!
The second group of people are those who moved on yet again. They have done the whole getting married thing and they bought/rented their house years ago. Now they are all having babies!
After I got married the first question everyone asked me was: 'when are you having babies?'
NOT YET! Christ! I have literally just got married to the man I love and we spent years trying to save for a house. It was not easy and we finally did it. We want some alone time for a bit before we have kids. Once we have them we will never be alone again! That and when I held a colleague's new born recently they cried and wriggled as soon as they were in my arms. Children seem to hate me. I know they belong to other people but still, they hate me. Therefore I am not ready to be a parent. Right now I have no maternal instinct. I think babies are cute but I really am scared of them and I don't want anything to do with one for a looooooong time. I do want one eventually but the emphasis is on the eventually.
There was a part of me that, up until very recently, looked at these scan photos and the new born pictures on Facebook and wondered if I should be having a child soon though? After all, the people the same age as me are having these little bundles of joy so why shouldn't I?
Then I noticed a similar theme to the relationship theme. Things are not all as they seem. People only post things about their darling child when something goes really well. Like they said their first word or rolled over for the first time. There are only a handful of mums that I know who are wonderfully honest about child rearing. They will be the first to admit that it is totally rewarding but also very shit a the same time. They admit to the sleepless nights for years and the nappies and sick and just general nastiness of child birth and rearing. I love them for that. Most of the mums I know though seem to live in this perfect existence where everything is great and their child is amazing. I now know that this is not true at all and it is just as shit for them, they just don't post the shit bits.
That is self editing in practice again. I realised that this self editing of my friends and peers was making me feel guilty for not wanting what they had and I realised that I shouldn't feel this way when I wasn't getting the whole picture.
3. People who stay the same
Then I realised that people stay the same! When I was at college there was a huge group of us who were friends but I never see them anymore. Part of this is because I had a crap relationship about 8 years ago (literally just before I got with Dave) and this person stopped me from seeing my friends. At the time I thought they had all moved on without me. Then I realised I could not have been more wrong. Ok, so two of them who are uber religious got married just after college but other than that the whole group is stuck like they are 18 years old. Great that they feel they have this freedom but at the age of 30 there is some pride I have in being a 'proper' adult.
They still do the same things they did at 18 and behave the same way. There is no maturity or change there. Recently I was taking part in an interesting online course about subculture in Japan and this got me thinking about people here. The section of the course was talking about young adults and the culture of 'kawaii' or 'cute'. These people are trying to cling on to something from their childhood because of fears of adult responsibility. I realised this was not something specifically from Japan and that my generation has also become a little like this. There are so many people clinging on to the memories of their late teens and they don't want the responsibility of a house and married life. They actively avoid it. I know some people who would kill to own their own home but there are many more that I grew up with who have no interest in this sort of life at all.
That said, is there anything wrong with this? I am sad that these people I had as friends 10-12 years ago no longer have anything to do with me. They don't know what I went through and they have left me despite my attempts to reach out to them over the years. I am sad for that part of my youth that I lost and missed out on with them because of the actions of someone who was just so insecure in themselves that they had to ruin my life. Hindsight is powerful and I really wish I had not let that happen but it did and it made me the person I am today. My old friends made their choice to get rid of me from their friendship group and yet remain a contact on Facebook so I guess not all the doors are shut. I do wish I could reconnect but I fear there are too many differences between me and them now just because of the different experiences we have had from the last 10 years and the apparent differences in life goals now.
Maybe I am wrong again though. They post about their meet ups and seem really happy together but maybe they are just miserable in other aspects of their lives. Maybe their careers haven't gone as they liked. Maybe they are not in a position to leave their parent's homes so they remain in that childlike state to compensate for this. If they are forced to live as children then that is what they will do. I can't judge them for that.
Conclusion:
I guess that everyone is hiding behind social media because in the past only a select group of trusted people in the community would know if you had a problem and if you didn't have that network you would feel really isolated.
The other thing is that everyone moves at their own pace. Just because one of my friends has been married for nearly 10 years and has a couple of kids and one is still living at home with their parents while I am in the middle doesn't make any of us right or wrong. Our own personal experiences and circumstances have meant that we have got to this stage in our lives and we should be happy with who we are and where we are. I can't let those with kids make me feel guilty about not wanting them yet. At the same time I can't judge those who are not in a position to move out and get married yet. We all work to our own pace and plan and only we know when we are ready to make the next step.
So next time I see someone post something about their 'perfect' child I will be sure to like or comment positively about it. After all, they might not have slept that night or their kid might have thrown up over the carpet five minutes after the photo was taken. By the same degree, when one of my friends posts their meet ups on Facebook maybe a way to reconnect is to say that it looked like fun and I hope they all had a great time. At the end of the day I am happy where I am and with what I am doing and so should they be.
For those who have had a crap time in relationships, we have all been there and done that. It does make you stronger, even if it doesn't feel like it. Hold tight, you can get through it. I believe it is all part of life's rich tapestry. Good luck and I'm here if you need me.
Social media is great for selling ourselves but don't let other's selling make you feel bad. We are all going through life at different paces and we all have our own shit going on.
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